


Trinity

by blakefancier



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, F/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-07
Updated: 2012-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-15 20:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakefancier/pseuds/blakefancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not an apology or an excuse: Howard Stark is Death, the destroyer of worlds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trinity

**Author's Note:**

> Just what the summary says. I'm not apologizing for Howard, I'm not making excuses. Howard Stark was a horrible father, an abusive father. He was also a human being.

They detonated the first atomic bomb on July 16, 1945; Oppenheimer got philosophical, Howard smiled and congratulated everyone. When he got home, he spent hours on the bathroom floor, retching until his throat hurt and his body ached. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw destruction.

He didn't go in to work the next day, or the day after, or the day after that. He was sitting on the floor, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hands when Oppenheimer came to see what was going on.

"I knew Captain America," he said. "I knew—He was the best man I ever knew. Working with him, it was the best thing I ever did."

"This is good work, too, Howard."

He smiled bitterly. "He wouldn't think so. He would say we were no better than our enemies."

"Is that what you believe?" 

"I just want to do good. I just want our boys to stop dying." He rubbed his eyes. "Every time I close my eyes, I see the world burn."

"You're not a prophet." Oppenheimer took the bottle from him. "You're stressed and tired. You're drunk."

"I just wanted him to be proud of me," he murmured, too soft for anyone else to hear.

***** 

The world burned twice and he never forgot: he carried destruction in his soul.

***** 

Maria Collins Carbonell was twenty years his junior and he didn't care. She was smart and beautiful and she held a kindness in her that hadn't seen since Steve. She walked through the world and expected everyone to do the right thing.

"Why me?" he asked her once. "Why do you want to be with me? I'm old and broken. I build bombs and guns."

She cupped his face and kissed his mouth and said, "Because you care. Because this is your way of protecting the people you love."

He wasn't sure how she managed to be right while being completely wrong. "I want you to marry me. Will you marry me?"

She laughed and hugged him. "Yes." 

***** 

"Where do you go?" Maria stood on her tiptoes and kissed his mouth. "On your yearly trip. Where do you go?"

"The arctic." He brushed a fallen eyelash from her cheek and smiled.

"Well, don’t lie!" She smacked him on his butt and he yelped.

"I'm not. I'm not lying."

Maria took a step back and crossed her arms over her chest. "What's in the artic, then?"

"Snow bunnies."

She kicked him hard in the shin and he gave a surprised cry. "Howard Stark, if you're jetting off to Vegas to gamble and look at strippers—" 

He sat back on the bed and rubbed his shin. "No! No, I'm… I'm not… I…" He took a deep breath and bit his bottom lip. "I'm not lying. I really do go to the arctic."

"What's in the arctic?" She tilted her head and frowned. "Can you tell me? Is this a secret project?"

"No, it's not—" God, he wanted a drink. "It's not a what, it's a who."

Maria sat next to him and took his hand. "Tell me."

So he did. He laid out every secret, every bit of darkness, every flicker of light, He told her about every touch, every kiss, every wound, and every word, sharp or sweet. She didn't say anything, but she didn't let go of his hand either. When he was done, he felt wrung out, exhausted.

She cleared her throat and sniffled. "You'll find him, Howard. You'll find him and bring him home. I know you will." 

He leaned his head against hers and squeezed her hand.

***** 

Tony was born on May 29, 1970, while Howard was in the arctic, looking for Steve. He didn't get back to New York until a month later. It was late, or early, when he sneaked into the house. 

Howard watched Tony sleep; this tiny person bundled up in a green blanket, rosebud mouth working against the air. There was so much potential for darkness, so many possibilities for destruction in that little brain. He touched Tony's round cheek and closed his eyes.

He didn't open them again, until the door squeaked. Maria stood next to him, watching Tony. She looked tired and pale. She looked unhappy for a moment, then her face cleared and she smiled. 

"When he grows up, he's going to look just like you," she whispered.

"Let's hope it's the only thing he gets from me."

"Howard." She put her arm around his waist.

"What if I gave him all the bad parts of me, Maria? What if I gave him all my darkness? All the potential for destruction and pain and…" His voice shook and he had to stop speaking.

"You are not a monster, Howard Stark. But even if you were, our personalities are as much nurture as it is nature." 

He wanted to believe that, he really did. "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds."

"No," she said. "You aren't. He won't be."

***** 

The arc reactor was a gift to the world, a promise to Maria, an apology to Steve, and challenge for Tony.

***** 

"Be better than me," he told the gurgling baby on his lap. "Be stronger and smarter. Be a better man." He finished his drink then held out the photo of Steve. "Be like him. Be a hero. Once you've got blood on your hands, there's no way to wash it off."

***** 

Howard hired the most sought after nannies and the best tutors. He did his best to minimize his contact with the boy. 

It frustrated Maria to no end. "Why won't you spend time with him? He needs you!"

He poured himself another drink and stared out into space. He could have told her the truth, that he didn’t want to taint Tony with the darkness inside of him, that a part of him was afraid it was too late. Instead, he said, "I've got a lot of work to do, Maria. I don't have time to play games."

***** 

Howard hit Tony four separate times.

The first three, he'd been drunk. The last…

He sat at his desk and rubbed the smear of blood on his hand. It would never wash off. He could never undo what he'd done. Tony would always remember that Howard hit him four separate times. Tony would remember that Howard was drunk the first three times, and the last time—the last time, there'd been blood.

Maria stormed into the room, her eyes filled with hatred—he did that, he made her look like that—and she slapped him. She slapped him hard and he tasted blood. He tasted blood and he knew that was the point. 

"Never again," she said. "Not ever again!"

Too late. It was too late. He was a monster now, maybe he'd always been a monster since the first time he helped make the world burn. Nothing would change that now, not the arc reactor, not Tony, not even finding Steve—if he ever found Steve.

"Never again," he promised.

The next fall, he sent Tony to boarding school. Something inside of Maria broke that day. He added it to his list of sins.

***** 

Tony was brilliant, charming, and handsome. He had so much to give to the world. He was Howard's greatest failure and worst creation. 

There were times that Howard was sorry he never told Tony how much he loved him. But he knew it was for the best.

Howard's love was tainted and he destroyed everything he touched.


End file.
